I’ve been looking for a new job or internship lately, and I applied to one at a “sports and music” company. When I received an e-mail back from them, it still didn’t indicate what “sports and music” company this was, but thankfully I had the sender’s e-mail address, which was from an “@psychopathicrecords” account. After having to look them up and discovering they were the record label I.C.P. founded, I spent some time pondering whether or not to take this offer. I finally came to the decision to do it for the lulz.
I scheduled a meeting at the office, and a few days later arrived at a nondescript building in Farmington Hills. I walked in and was instantly greeted by life-sized portraits of Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope.
The video department walls were filled with photographs throughout the years of Juggalos excitedly celebrating their favorite clown-make-up-wearing, white rap group, including some of topless Down River girls from the ‘90s. The head of the video department soon put me to work ripping old I.C.P. videos off of YouTube, because none of the workers actually felt like going through their own video collection to legally get the videos they needed for the project they were working on.
They also gave me my first official assignment, which was to help with production of their “pay-per-view” Juggalo Championship Wrestling event. Until this moment, I had not realized Juggalos wrestling each other was a thing, but it seemed logical.
*****
I arrived at The Modern Exchange in Southgate, not really knowing what to expect, as I had previously assumed I.C.P. to be a thing popular when I was in 5th through 7th grade, and didn’t realize anyone cared about them anymore other than to make jokes about things being “fucking magic” and asking “magnets; how the fuck do those work?”
The crowd gathered slowly as the event grew near. One young fan, displaying his pride in the form of clown make-up and his ability to be easily brainwashed by advertising in the form of a Monster Energy Drink tattoo, would enthusiastically shout, “Woo-woo!” to which the crowd responded with an equally enthusiastic, “Woo-woo!” This happened several times before the event started.
Violent J was also in attendance early, as he taught this girl how to be a proper ring-girl.
Soon enough, The Modern Exchange was fuck-stuffed full of Down River Juggalos and a chubby, middle-aged man dressed in clown make-up came out to present the announcer and Shaggy 2 Dope, the color commentator.
Match 1:
In the first match, a wrestler named Sal - The Man of 1,000 Gimmicks faced off against Jimmy Jacobs - The Emo Warrior. Sal came out dressed as Jimmy Jacobs, and, an attempt to mock him, read a poem just like Jimmy Jacobs always apparently does. Pretty soon, what started as a mockery of “emo” kids quickly became gay bashing as Sal told Jimmy Jacobs that he “took it up the ass” and the crowd’s chants of “Faggott! faggott!” confirmed that there was more going on with Jimmy Jacobs than just being an “emo warrior.” Jimmy Jacobs also had to stop the match at one point to fix his mascara. The “faggott” chants continued.
Match 2:
This match was a tag team event, and the first pair to enter the ring were a man and woman. The man, Bull Pain, immediately held his baseball bat up like a dick and began thrusting it toward his partner, whose name I do not know because she’s not listed on the official Juggalo Championship Wrestling website. Pretty soon, the crowd was chanting “She sucks dick” toward the woman, which she proudly admitted she did.
The other duo included Zach Gowen, a “one-legged wonder,” and Eugene, whom the website describes as “slightly retarded.” Eugene dresses like a child and acts exactly like the bad impression that dick in your elementary school class did of the mentally handicapped kid who was also in your class.
Despite rooting for the man/woman duo, the crowd continued to chant “slut,” “show your tits,” and “you’re a hoe” to the woman throughout the match, until her and Bull Pain finally won. The woman then excitedly leapt into Bull Pain’s arms, only to get slammed to the ground herself. The crowd went wild and she got up and ran after Bull Pain, not in retaliation, but more like a sad puppy dog.
Match 3:
This time we see a cross-dresser face off against a hometown favorite, Rhino. The cross-dresser spends most of the match speaking with an effeminate voice and slapping his man-boobs around. I don’t really remember much else as as the second-hand weed smoke was starting to take effect.
Match 4:
We start picking up with the racism in this match as Sabu, a turban wearing Middle-Eastern who is described as “homicidal, suicidal, and genocidal” wrestles against another crowd favorite, 2 Tuff Tony, the Louisville drunk. Much to the crowd’s dismay, Sabu, who is said to “repeatedly stab his opponents with foreign objects” ends up winning the match by using some of his cheap stabbing tactics.
I also have a note for this match that says, “get in the ring juggle style,” but I’m not sure what that means.
Match 5:
Kongo Kong, the large African with an afro and tribal make-up, wrestled somebody else, but I don’t remember who. I was too busy feeling like I was watching an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.
Match 6:
Here we see Weedman wrestle against Officer Colt Cabana. Officer Colt Cabana makes his appearance first, entering to chants of “fuck the police.” He wastes no time in arresting an “audience member” for smoking weed, and when Weedman himself enters smoking a joint, Officer Colt Cabana sure is mad!
Officer Cabana also threatens to rape Weedman in jail and then later simulates the act of anal rape on the audience member he previously arrested.
Match 7:
Unremarkable tag team match. Some ninjas against a couple of trashy dudes.
Intermission:
Scarecrow guy with make-up comes out and raps to pre-recorded music. This goes on for way too long.
The Main Event:
The villain in the final match is a rich guy from Beverly Hills, Michigan, appropriately named, Richie Boy. He has long, wavy blond hair and enters the ring to classical music. His uniform has a giant dollar sign on it.
His opponent, Corporal “Corp” Robinson, is supposed to be an ex-marine and he wears camouflage shorts, so I guess it must be true. He enters the ring smoking a cigarette, but before finishing it, hands it off to an excited member of the audience who may or may not even be eighteen.
Corp obviously dominates this match as Richie Boy has no wrestling talent and spends much of the match trying to hide. However, Richie Boy’s butler, Geves, keeps entering the ring and taking cheap shots at Corp.
Finally, Violent J himself comes out and puts in end to Geves’ slimy ways and calls him “butt-plugged Geves.” Corp, being the hardcore man that he is though, decides to allow Geves to wrestle and takes both him and Richie Boy on. Oddly enough, though Geves has no interest in wrestling, he takes off his suit to reveal a wrestling leotard underneath.
The match is much closer now that Corp has two people to wrestle, and at some point Corp and Richie Boy are both laying on the group almost unconscious, leaving Geves to simply lay down gently on Corp, pinning him. Geves is declared the winner and everyone is shocked and appauled, thus setting the stage for the following week’s big event at St. Andrews’ Hall.
I don’t know what happened there as I did not show up. Guessing Corp probably won or something.
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